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06 November 2011 @ 10:37 pm
Everything just sucks right now. Sometimes everything that's bad just feels like it comes crashing down over me and there's no way I can stop it and I try and try and try to remember the good and smile and feel okay and then nothing works and all I can think about are the bad things and I never want to say anything to anyone so I just keep them in and hold back and deflectdeflectdeflect until one night something sets it all off and I end up crying for hours and wake up the next morning with puffy eyes and a dry nose and wishing I had just gone to bed instead of thinking about anything at all.

Things that are bad:

I'm being lazy all the fucking time. I'm being a bad daughter. My mom and dad are constantly yelling at me for things that aren't my fault (and some that are, but okay, I can understand that.) It's the things that I didn't do that get me. I become the person they take out their shitty days on and then we all have to walk on egg shells around each other and if I don't act like everything is okay or that nothing is bothering me or I'm not fucking smiling as I walk around the house, everything falls apart all over again and sometimes I just can't take it and I just lock myself up and rock back and forth and pray that things will be normal once I get out. It was one of these days today.

I'm feeling alone again. Not even the usual alone, the romantic one, where I feel like everyone is a couple and I'm alone (which actually is true this time, excluding Alex) because that isn't bothering me right now. it's friendship alone, which I haven't dealt with for a while and maybe that's why it's hitting me so fucking hard right now. I feel so alone and there's no reason I should, because I have friends, I do, and they love me and I know that. It just doesn't feel like it right now, or lately. Chris works a lot and my parents don't like me doing stuff after six, which is when he gets off, so we can never hang out, and we just haven't been talking about anything of substance as much and it makes me so sad because we were so close for a while and I don't know what happened and it scares me that all it's taken for us to grow apart, even this much, is not being able to hang out. What happens when he goes to Ohio? Chris is one of the few people I sincerely want to stay in touch with and what am I supposed to do if we fall apart so easily. Lindsey and Genesis. Logan recently came into our friend group and the dynamics are changing and I wasn't ready for that and suddenly I'm the one getting left behind while Logan, Lindsey, and Genesis find common ground over boy problems I don't have, getting high (welp, not Lindsey but whatever), being more out there, willing to do things. I just feel like such a loser when I'm with them and I can't control it, i don't know i don't know i don't know I hate it. I feel like Lindsey will only want to be friends with me or hang out with me until she finds someone cooler, which is basically how I feel when she goes off with Logan, and I know that's stupid, that's like..the dumbest fucking thing I've ever even thought, Jesus, I feel like I'm in middle school again. Genesis ditched me for Ricky the other day and wow, that hurt. I didn't see that coming and it brought up old insecurities all over again that I never wanted to deal with again and I know she didn't mean it that way or maybe didn't realize it but. I don't want that. I don't. Alex only talks to me when it's convenient I guess, when people he likes better aren't around, and I always always always feel like his background friend and yet I do nothing about it. Surprise, surprise, Shannon lets people walk all over her. I guess I shouldn't be upset about that since I let him do it all the time, because I think I'm just "being there for him" but when will he ever be there for me? He won't. That's the point. I feel like no one wants to be there for me, I feel like no one should have to be, I should be able to handle it, I shouldn't whine so much, I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't do this shit but I do and I don't understand why. I don't even know what I'm saying here. There's more but I can't think of it all anymore and I'm so upset and sad and angry at myself that I just want to sleep.

I really do try to be a good friend. I honestly do. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I really don't. I know I should tell these people these things but I won't, because I'm probably overreacting and reading into things and I don't want to cause drama or make people feel bad or complain or be the annoying friend that always has something to whine about and nothing is ever good enough. I just feel alone and annoying and I just want to not deal with anything and I can't do that.

Oh, and I'm being an absolutely horrid student. My grades are still good but they won't be for much longer if I keep this up.
04 August 2011 @ 09:06 pm
WOW did I need this vacation or what? I feel so refreshed. I was in quite the slump back at home, being unproductive, doing NOTHING ALL DAY but sitting on tumblr, eating out with friends, or watching movies. While this is fun most of the time, doing it every single day is ridiculous and sad.

Being at the beach has been wonderful. The weather has been beautiful and I ACTUALLY GOT IN THE WATER what? So that was cool. I have a little tan/sunburn, so that was also a success.

It's just been really nice.

I also finished Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury and here is what I have to say:

One of the greatest books I have ever had the pleasure of reading.

Now I'm reading Pride and Prejudice and sufngsfg UGH I LOVE IT why don't people speak like that anymore? It's upsetting. I have been reading it aloud the entire time. It sounds amazing :')
Current Mood: relaxedrelaxed
24 July 2011 @ 06:52 pm
I am so incredibly horrible at updating this journal ;____; tbh, I suck at updating all journals now. I usually only do so when I am complaining about something, which is just depressing! So we will talk about some happy things that have occurred since I last updated.

This year I took my first creative writing class and WOW. I actually found something that I love to do and actually would consider...using it for the rest of my life. Writing is amazing and I love it and...I think I'm pretty decent at it. There are a great many things that I do not have a handle on (developing characters and plots that don't suck, for instance) and I have yet to complete something longer than two paragraphs that I am actually proud of, but it's a start! I need to write more, as I have been pretty lazy about it as Summer has progressed. (Something quite distressing :|) This has also occurred with reading.

Dat transition! My goal this Summer was to read twenty books and I am failing miserably at succeeding. It's horrible and disappointing and I need to stop going out so much and then coming home and doing nothing other than sitting on youtube/reading fanfiction/rolling around on tumblr. LAME. So, there is something I have screwed up on this Summer. That didn't take long.

Oh my! The last time I updated this, my main fandom was lotrips. UH. IT'S BEEN A WHILE. /opens delicious. I think the main fandoms I have been involved in since then are The Social Network RPS (seriously, RPS has never weirded me out or made me uncomfortable. idgi idk), Eames/Arthur (Inception), and, now, X-Men. I HAVE ZERO REGRETS. I'm sure there have been more, smaller fandoms I have dabbled in, but those are the main three that have been consuming my life since the last update.

Friends and the like (real life):
Still best friends with Justin and Adrienne. Justin and I seem to be drifting lately, which makes me really, really upset. I know it's just because we haven't been hanging out and we haven't been hanging out because I'm STUPID and make plans with every single person who asks me to do something because I don't know how to say no. This, of course, is kind of messing with my home life as my parents are becoming irritated that I am never home (tbh, I have to agree with them. I really miss just sitting at home and hanging out. I need to work on that.) I have to start fixing things with Justin, because he is one of the best people I have ever known and I could not stand losing such a friendship. A new addition to the best friends pool has occurred though! Her name is Lindsey and she is amazing. She is basically my soulmate; we are involved in all the same fandoms and geek out about the same things. We have introduced each other to amazing things (I gave her LotR and good books; she gave me X-Men and Doctor Who!) and I cannot gush about her enough. She's just really awesome and I love her.

WOW HARRY POTTER I don't think I even really talk about HP in this journal which is just pathetic because Harry Potter takes up about 85% of my life, if not more. The end...I can't. I don't even know, oh my God. For one thing, the movie was amazing. idgaf what anyone says. I loved it with all my heart and cried every time I saw it. IT WAS AWESOMEEEE DUNFDNFUDNHFHUSDOIWS I can't even. I just really love Harry Potter.

Until next time (hopefully sooner) Livejournal.
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Pride and Prejudice
12 April 2010 @ 11:15 pm
I was reading someone's livejournal and they were talking about how their OTPs (former and current) are like exes to them. And I realized, wow that is totally true! There are:

My first loves, the ones that I had a slow, painful break up with and it still sort of hurts to read/see (Ryan/Brendon, Pete/Patrick. Bandom. In general.), the exes that I'm still friends with and see enough, but not often enough to be close (Jim/Pam, Scorpius/Albus), the ones I started out very happy/passionate about, but gradually fell out of love with (Morgan/Reid), the one night stands (Sokka/Suki, Butcher/Sisky, Kris/Adam, Rosalie/Emmett, Taylor/Kristen), the ones I lovedlovedloved but got distracted for a little bit but still come back more than a couple times a month to read (Axel/Roxas, Sora/Riku, Merlin/Arthur), and last, my recent flames (Billy/Dom, Evan/Johnny). I can usually tell where the recent flames will end up though! It's looking like Evan/Johnny is a one night stand sort of OTP. Sad, but true. Very nice right now, but soon I will not care and forget about it. Billy/Dom, however, has been going on for a few weeks now. They will probably go under good friends that I keep in contact with, but not enough to be awkward.

LMAO I JUST WROTE THAT. Why do I have so many one night stands.. xD

Okay, back to homework. /dies
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: The Office
26 March 2010 @ 03:48 pm
I suck at updating this! I use blogger too much.

It seems that everytime I come to update, I'm in a different fandom. This time is no different. I have recently discovered the absolute awesomeness that is Lord of the Rings and lotrips. So, that is what I've been hanging around with for the past month xD

Life is going really great still! It's actually the first day of my Spring Break yaaay ^_^ I'm still best friends with the people I was in August. That has got to be a first (without fights, split ups, drama in general, etc.) And yeah! Things are good, I am pleased to report.

Anyways, I might try updating this more..especially since I realized I only have a little over twenty entries, yet I've had this livejournal for..over two years? (wtf, I can still remember the night I made this..weird.) I will probably continue to use this for fandom rambles, as people I talk to in rl read my blogger and even if they know I am a fandomgeek, I feel awkward writing about it on there. Livejournal <3
Current Mood: sillysilly
28 October 2009 @ 03:49 pm
New layout 8D and new icons! Next: new profile.

..I have nothing else to do :(

On the brightside, my friends are awesome and are going to bring me makeup work tomorrow. My teachers are also awesome and are going to help me get it all done so my grades won't be crap. (It helps that most of my school is out with the flu xD)

Now that I've made my livejournal all ~pretty, I will probably post here more! Win.
Current Mood: giddygiddy
Current Music: ~Criminal Minds
28 October 2009 @ 12:56 pm
I am terribly, disgustingly sick. I haven't been to school since last Friday 0_o I've pretty much been doing nothing other than sitting around watching tv or reading. There isn't much to do after four days of being stuck in a house, blah.

I decided to finally get icons, yaaaaay. Melikey ^_^ And I think I'm gonna go try and beat this part in KH 358/2 Days...or watch Scrubs. I dunno, something like that.

I have a photo assignment due tomorrow but GAH I haven't been able to get the second roll of film and I can't go outside because I am too busy DYING in my bed. So..fuuuuck. I have so much work to do and the grading period ends next Tuesday. I am beyond screwed.

Other than that, things are going very well. I am actually being social this year! I have friends of my own..it's pretty awesome. I can make friends! Woo! I like my classes/teachers (well, most of the time.) and my grades are pretty good (idk, maybe not after this week of being out, shiet.)

Final Fantasy Dissidia is AWESOME, foreal. The opening scene was amazing! I am so excited about this game. I'm on Cloud's story right now and I'm trying to beat Sephiroth 0.o It's not going too well...heh.

I am really excited for Halloween, so hopefully I am NOTSICK by Saturday T^T That would be upsetting =/
Current Mood: sicksick
28 September 2009 @ 09:07 am
I've been going through my f-list and I am suddenly finding out that most of the people I have added from bandom are also into other fandoms I am into. Mostly Kingdom Hearts. WHYYYYY didn't I know that before? That is a monster Fail (and I forgot how to spell monster for a second, lmao.)

It was just exciting to see :)

Since I haven't updated this in a while, and I'm sick right now, and feeling really lazy, I'll just say that everything is still good right now. Now I am going to go read Vampire Knight and be miserable with my sick-ness. :P
13 August 2009 @ 03:48 am
I just went through my entries and realized that I don't remember half of the crap I wrote about. Or complained about. It's kind of a comfort to me that a year from now I'll look back at the crap days I had and be able to say 'wtf was wrong with me that day? i don't even remember.' I think that alone will help me get through bad weeks or days or situations. That soon enough I'll be happy again.

"This too shall pass." I guess?

Also, I am really happy with myself and how my life is going right now. That also may contribute to lack of updates. I usually only update when I need to get bad feelings out.
06 July 2009 @ 02:07 pm
Panic at the Disco whattttttt are you doing D:!?

I am upset. Panic was such a big part of my life for like, two or three years. =/ I didn't actually think they would split in two holy crap.

Meh, the epic love that everyone thought was Ryan and Brendon. My OTP >.
Current Mood: crappycrappy