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06 November 2011 @ 10:37 pm
Everything just sucks right now. Sometimes everything that's bad just feels like it comes crashing down over me and there's no way I can stop it and I try and try and try to remember the good and smile and feel okay and then nothing works and all I can think about are the bad things and I never want to say anything to anyone so I just keep them in and hold back and deflectdeflectdeflect until one night something sets it all off and I end up crying for hours and wake up the next morning with puffy eyes and a dry nose and wishing I had just gone to bed instead of thinking about anything at all.

Things that are bad:

I'm being lazy all the fucking time. I'm being a bad daughter. My mom and dad are constantly yelling at me for things that aren't my fault (and some that are, but okay, I can understand that.) It's the things that I didn't do that get me. I become the person they take out their shitty days on and then we all have to walk on egg shells around each other and if I don't act like everything is okay or that nothing is bothering me or I'm not fucking smiling as I walk around the house, everything falls apart all over again and sometimes I just can't take it and I just lock myself up and rock back and forth and pray that things will be normal once I get out. It was one of these days today.

I'm feeling alone again. Not even the usual alone, the romantic one, where I feel like everyone is a couple and I'm alone (which actually is true this time, excluding Alex) because that isn't bothering me right now. it's friendship alone, which I haven't dealt with for a while and maybe that's why it's hitting me so fucking hard right now. I feel so alone and there's no reason I should, because I have friends, I do, and they love me and I know that. It just doesn't feel like it right now, or lately. Chris works a lot and my parents don't like me doing stuff after six, which is when he gets off, so we can never hang out, and we just haven't been talking about anything of substance as much and it makes me so sad because we were so close for a while and I don't know what happened and it scares me that all it's taken for us to grow apart, even this much, is not being able to hang out. What happens when he goes to Ohio? Chris is one of the few people I sincerely want to stay in touch with and what am I supposed to do if we fall apart so easily. Lindsey and Genesis. Logan recently came into our friend group and the dynamics are changing and I wasn't ready for that and suddenly I'm the one getting left behind while Logan, Lindsey, and Genesis find common ground over boy problems I don't have, getting high (welp, not Lindsey but whatever), being more out there, willing to do things. I just feel like such a loser when I'm with them and I can't control it, i don't know i don't know i don't know I hate it. I feel like Lindsey will only want to be friends with me or hang out with me until she finds someone cooler, which is basically how I feel when she goes off with Logan, and I know that's stupid, that's like..the dumbest fucking thing I've ever even thought, Jesus, I feel like I'm in middle school again. Genesis ditched me for Ricky the other day and wow, that hurt. I didn't see that coming and it brought up old insecurities all over again that I never wanted to deal with again and I know she didn't mean it that way or maybe didn't realize it but. I don't want that. I don't. Alex only talks to me when it's convenient I guess, when people he likes better aren't around, and I always always always feel like his background friend and yet I do nothing about it. Surprise, surprise, Shannon lets people walk all over her. I guess I shouldn't be upset about that since I let him do it all the time, because I think I'm just "being there for him" but when will he ever be there for me? He won't. That's the point. I feel like no one wants to be there for me, I feel like no one should have to be, I should be able to handle it, I shouldn't whine so much, I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't do this shit but I do and I don't understand why. I don't even know what I'm saying here. There's more but I can't think of it all anymore and I'm so upset and sad and angry at myself that I just want to sleep.

I really do try to be a good friend. I honestly do. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I really don't. I know I should tell these people these things but I won't, because I'm probably overreacting and reading into things and I don't want to cause drama or make people feel bad or complain or be the annoying friend that always has something to whine about and nothing is ever good enough. I just feel alone and annoying and I just want to not deal with anything and I can't do that.

Oh, and I'm being an absolutely horrid student. My grades are still good but they won't be for much longer if I keep this up.
Squishpanic_smile on November 7th, 2011 01:14 pm (UTC)
1. You're fucking beautiful.
2. There is nothing wrong with you. Don't let people be reckless with your heart, learn to love yourself, and let your personality shine bright. The happier you are with yourself, the more people will sense that, and you'll start attracting the right type of people - the people who value the same things you do.
3. Do productive things - clean, study, things like that. They're boring but they put your hands and mind to use and distract you from lonliness and insecurities. And afterwards you feel good, because you've accomplished something.

I've been in the same headspace you're in right now. It's hard, it's enduring. But one day you'll wake up, and you'll realise what you want out of life. You'll know what kind of people you want in it, and how you want to be. My advice it to be happy - don't let things get you down. Don't dwell, keep moving, and don't be afraid to let positive emotions grow.

Good luck <3
Shannonshattered_22 on November 8th, 2011 08:57 pm (UTC)
I cannot even begin to convey my thanks for this! I didn't expect anyone to read this, so to have any advice at all is surprising in itself, but this made me feel tremendous amounts of better. I definitely needed to hear these things and I really, really appreciate your comment.

Especially about being more productive because, wow, that is already helping (especially since it kills two birds with one stone - keep up with school work and have something to focus on). Thank you, again!
corinnecorinneboutin on November 8th, 2011 04:19 pm (UTC)
Okay, so the girl who commented before me pretty much said it all in a nutshell awesomely, so there's that. My two cents:

You're human - you're allowed to whine, don't ever feel bad for it. It always helps. Friends are there to support friends, and parents are there to support their children. I know from Adrienne that you're very close to your family, and I know the dynamics must be shifting with Jeremy being in high school now as well, and you moving on to college next year, but my best advice to give is to put your best foot forward - speak openly with your parents (or maybe just your Mom, whoever you're more comfortable talking to) about what's going on, how you've been feeling and your friend situation, etc etc because surprise! She's probably been there (I know my mom has) and she'll be one of the best supports to help you get through it.

ALSO you know who your true friends are, and even though I'm five/six years older than you and you're technically my sister's friend, I'd like you to know that since we've hardcore bonded over Harry Potter and literature in general, I've considered you to be my friend too - and we're here for you! I don't know how much you & Adrienne have been hanging out lately but perhaps we can organize a weekend where we pamper ourselves or do stress-relieving activities?

And by all means, if you can find someone to complain to who will not only understand where you're coming from, but relate and respond to it you'll feel 100% better. I can't relate exactly to your situation but it seems like maybe you're worried about falling into the same patterns you were in with - ahem - previous friends? You can ignore me if I'm wrong but the girl above is right! Don't let people step on you because you're the absolute nicest person on the planet. If people are ditching you or just using you up until they're bored then it's time to start pulling away. You know well enough when a friendship is going awry, and I know it sucks but sometimes the best thing to do is distance yourself from them, because when one door closes another opens. AND ALSO like the girl said above, if you let your true personality shine through, it will gravitate the right people toward you.

Lastly (and also like the girl said above omg), do productive things! When I'm in a rut/bored/dealing with something I feel like I have no control over, I make a change over something I do have control over, like cutting/dying my hair or rearranging my room. I clean like a madwoman. Pick a project for yourself and focus on it. It'll relieve stress.

I've just about commented myself out, haha. I just want you to know that you are seriously one of the greatest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, and that you don't deserve to feel the way you're feeling right now! So chin up girl. :)
Shannonshattered_22 on November 8th, 2011 09:03 pm (UTC)
CORINNE JUST ujfngsidfg thank you. I cannot right now. A weekend of destressing sounds so perf, but I am ridiculously busy until...probably the middle of December :| MUN is taking over my life this month. But when you and Adrienne are free, we should really just do that because, hi, I need to relax.

I would definitely consider you a friend - an incredibly well-read one at that. You can't go to an HP premiere with someone, cry like an asshole, and then not be friends after lmao. I really appreciate that you even read this, and REALLY appreciate your advice. I need to somehow tell my mom all of this but :| that might take a while to work on.
You are very right about not wanting to fall into the same pattern of getting shat on by friends and, honestly, I probably do need more time to myself to get my life in order. Hanging out less with certain people will more than likely do me some good.

Productivity seems key, in this situation. School work and college crap, here I come~

Once again, I really really really really appreciate the time you took to read/respond to this. It helped so much and sdjfgnsjdg FEELINGS. I have them. THANKYOU