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06 November 2011 @ 10:37 pm
Everything just sucks right now. Sometimes everything that's bad just feels like it comes crashing down over me and there's no way I can stop it and I try and try and try to remember the good and smile and feel okay and then nothing works and all I can think about are the bad things and I never want to say anything to anyone so I just keep them in and hold back and deflectdeflectdeflect until one night something sets it all off and I end up crying for hours and wake up the next morning with puffy eyes and a dry nose and wishing I had just gone to bed instead of thinking about anything at all.

Things that are bad:

I'm being lazy all the fucking time. I'm being a bad daughter. My mom and dad are constantly yelling at me for things that aren't my fault (and some that are, but okay, I can understand that.) It's the things that I didn't do that get me. I become the person they take out their shitty days on and then we all have to walk on egg shells around each other and if I don't act like everything is okay or that nothing is bothering me or I'm not fucking smiling as I walk around the house, everything falls apart all over again and sometimes I just can't take it and I just lock myself up and rock back and forth and pray that things will be normal once I get out. It was one of these days today.

I'm feeling alone again. Not even the usual alone, the romantic one, where I feel like everyone is a couple and I'm alone (which actually is true this time, excluding Alex) because that isn't bothering me right now. it's friendship alone, which I haven't dealt with for a while and maybe that's why it's hitting me so fucking hard right now. I feel so alone and there's no reason I should, because I have friends, I do, and they love me and I know that. It just doesn't feel like it right now, or lately. Chris works a lot and my parents don't like me doing stuff after six, which is when he gets off, so we can never hang out, and we just haven't been talking about anything of substance as much and it makes me so sad because we were so close for a while and I don't know what happened and it scares me that all it's taken for us to grow apart, even this much, is not being able to hang out. What happens when he goes to Ohio? Chris is one of the few people I sincerely want to stay in touch with and what am I supposed to do if we fall apart so easily. Lindsey and Genesis. Logan recently came into our friend group and the dynamics are changing and I wasn't ready for that and suddenly I'm the one getting left behind while Logan, Lindsey, and Genesis find common ground over boy problems I don't have, getting high (welp, not Lindsey but whatever), being more out there, willing to do things. I just feel like such a loser when I'm with them and I can't control it, i don't know i don't know i don't know I hate it. I feel like Lindsey will only want to be friends with me or hang out with me until she finds someone cooler, which is basically how I feel when she goes off with Logan, and I know that's stupid, that's like..the dumbest fucking thing I've ever even thought, Jesus, I feel like I'm in middle school again. Genesis ditched me for Ricky the other day and wow, that hurt. I didn't see that coming and it brought up old insecurities all over again that I never wanted to deal with again and I know she didn't mean it that way or maybe didn't realize it but. I don't want that. I don't. Alex only talks to me when it's convenient I guess, when people he likes better aren't around, and I always always always feel like his background friend and yet I do nothing about it. Surprise, surprise, Shannon lets people walk all over her. I guess I shouldn't be upset about that since I let him do it all the time, because I think I'm just "being there for him" but when will he ever be there for me? He won't. That's the point. I feel like no one wants to be there for me, I feel like no one should have to be, I should be able to handle it, I shouldn't whine so much, I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't do this shit but I do and I don't understand why. I don't even know what I'm saying here. There's more but I can't think of it all anymore and I'm so upset and sad and angry at myself that I just want to sleep.

I really do try to be a good friend. I honestly do. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I really don't. I know I should tell these people these things but I won't, because I'm probably overreacting and reading into things and I don't want to cause drama or make people feel bad or complain or be the annoying friend that always has something to whine about and nothing is ever good enough. I just feel alone and annoying and I just want to not deal with anything and I can't do that.

Oh, and I'm being an absolutely horrid student. My grades are still good but they won't be for much longer if I keep this up.
Shannonshattered_22 on November 8th, 2011 08:57 pm (UTC)
I cannot even begin to convey my thanks for this! I didn't expect anyone to read this, so to have any advice at all is surprising in itself, but this made me feel tremendous amounts of better. I definitely needed to hear these things and I really, really appreciate your comment.

Especially about being more productive because, wow, that is already helping (especially since it kills two birds with one stone - keep up with school work and have something to focus on). Thank you, again!